Reflections on healing trauma, writing, and books by Tokyo-based memoirist
 
Feeling Accomplished

Feeling Accomplished

This will be another short entry because I only have about half an hour before I have to get ready for dance.

I updated my website!

I liked the previous design, but it wasn’t mobile-friendly. It worked well for anyone on a PC, but it was shitty for other devices.

At first, I was only planning to create a landing page, so when you come to my website, you don’t just land in the middle of a blog and wonder who the hell I am. Now I have one. It’s not a great landing page, but it exists.

After I made the landing page, I realized that I may as well finally make the changes that I know need to be made, so I don’t look awkward and weird on a phone, anymore. Let’s face it, most people use phones to go online.

Anyway, I started working on my website yesterday morning. I worked on it all day yesterday, stopping only for quick meals and a short walk. Around 11 PM last night, I called it a night. This morning, I got up and tweaked some colors and fonts, and now I’m pretty happy.

It’s not totally done, but this feels like a win.

For the past couple of weeks, I felt like I was accomplishing nothing. I was taking that freelancing class, which I liked, but it was getting to be overkill for my purposes (mostly, just knowledge). I started feeling like I was destined to spin my wheels forever and never have another win ever again.

I know that’s crazy, but that’s how I am. Things go awry for a week or so, and I’m plunged into despair. “I’m such a fuck-up! Nothing good will ever happen again! The universe hates me!”

Then, I redesign my website and the dialogue becomes: “I’m awesome! My life is a cascade of good things! I’m the darling of the universe!”

On the way to dance, I think I’ll pick up a celebratory soymilk berry smoothie. I’m not talking about anything fancy. I just mean a prepackaged drink from the convenience store.

I know I sound a little nuts, but if I’m honest, I believe this is how most people are. We all swing back and forth based on how the external world looks to us at any given moment. We’ve just been trained to hide it.

We’re told to pretend that things don’t bother us when they do because most people are so uncomfortable with emotions. When we have feelings around them, they tell us to tamp that stuff down. Often, it comes in the form of toxic positivity.

People who are especially emotionally fearful will even tell us not to get too happy about our wins. They’re so uncomfortable with feelings that they don’t even like the good ones. They’ll poo-poo us and tell us that the little things that delight us are no big deal.

There’s no time to explain that better today, but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Or, maybe I’m completely wrong, and it’s just me. I’m high-functioning bipolar (or low-functioning bipolar, depending on which day you ask).

One comment

  1. I like the new layout very much. Clean but not sterile. Ye gods, I never thought about how my page looks on a phone! Can’t fret about it, too much life happening. No big worries, just shit with the ex. I’ve had a bate of it and am trying to move. Move with scarce money, a decent but not exciting credit score, and not many options on where to go. All I know is I’ve had it. I cannot live here anymore. Too much Mike. Too much of his mess and ugly behavior. He wants this house so bad? He can have it. I’m packing my husband, kid, cat, and getting the fuck out of here. It’s messy and scary and frustrating and exhausting right now. Pity your friend and skip the questions, I am questioned out. Root me on, and be glad I FINALLY reached my limit.

    Love you! ~LA

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