Reflections on healing trauma, writing, and books by Tokyo-based memoirist
 
The Truth Will Unstick Me

The Truth Will Unstick Me

This morning, I did my daily tarot reading, and it told me that the truth will help me get unstuck from my current malaise.

I don’t have an in-depth commentary about any one topic, just a few updates.

First:

I’ve been querying agents and feeling really down about it.

It’s such a hard process that it’s a wonder that anyone does it, but thousands of people do it every day. I won’t go into the details of why it’s so hard, right now, but just know that it’s hard.

On top of the difficulty of it, I’m not feeling very optimistic about it. I’m pretty sure that all of this effort will be for nothing. I’ve only gotten two responses so far. One was a form-rejection and the other was a really encouraging personal rejection. The guy basically said that he liked my story and my approach, but that he couldn’t think of how he’d sell it.

That nice rejection motivated me for a week or so, but now it’s wearing off.

Second:

A couple of weeks ago, some workers started demolishing the building next to mine. They’re very painstakingly pulling it apart and separating the various types of rubble into piles. It’s noisy, and it’s taking forever.

I’m a highly sensitive person. When people hear, “sensitive,” they think it means it’s a personality thing or even something under one’s control. It’s neurodivergence. The areas for pattern recognition, meaning making, and mirror neurons are much larger in an HSP’s brain and light up much more brightly when stimulated.

Some call it, “deeper processing,” but I don’t feel like that phrase quite captures it. When I hear something, I don’t just hear it. It’s like it’s inside of me and happening directly to me. A shattering sound feels to me like something inside of me is breaking apart.

All of this to say that the non-stop destruction noises going on outside of my apartment are really breaking me down mentally.

Right now, I’m in what had been my favorite cafe, but they took the house-made ginger soda off the menu. They also aren’t very big on air conditioning in this place, and those large windows that I love in the winter turn this place into a greenhouse during every other season. Also, the music is much louder and more intrusive than usual, and I came here to get away from the noise.

Third:

I’ve started work on my next book. It’s very slow-going because of doing the agent stuff, plus the noise outside of my apartment is destroying my concentration, even with my noise-cancelling headphones. But, actually working on writing, rather than doing all of the stuff that surrounds writing (submitting, self-promotion, marketing, etc.) makes me much happier. It’s like finally driving in the right gear after months in the wrong one.

I’m not sure if this is connected to my third point or not, but I’m nearly done reading The Goldfinch again. As I’ve mentioned before, I very much admire Donna Tartt’s writing. It’s depressing, though, because I know I’ll never write as well as her and that kinda makes me want to give up.

Fourth:

The new plan is to move to Los Angeles. Lots of considerations went into this change of plans. I was depressed about this decision, too. Almost all of my favorite movies are set in London or New York City. I’ve spent enough time in NYC that it’s familiar to me. I have my own understanding of the city independent of movies, and I don’t feel like I need more of it (I’m happy to have more of it, if fate brings me back). London is still idealized in my mind. Also, I was born in the Los Angeles area. I lived there until I was 11. I remember it quite clearly. I know it’s changed a lot and I know it’ll be different experiencing it as an adult, but I can’t help feeling like it’ll be dull. My adventures are ending. I’m returning home to die, and I’m only in my mid-40s.

However, there’s lots of nostalgia to be had there for me. My dad used to take us to the public library, which is where I developed my love of books, and there are lots of pretty branches there. There are also libraries at UCLA and USC that the public can use. Besides the library, there’s the Queen Mary, the Mojave desert, Big Bear, Hollywood and all of Long Beach (except, while my old elementary school still exists, they tore down the building and put up a new one).

The weather will be better. Because I’m from southern California, I still find bad weather exciting, but I have almost no tolerance for long periods of grey dullness (Yes, I know what you’re thinking now about my previous plan to move to London). I can still go into the mountains to get some cooler weather if I start missing it.

The beach, the beach, the beach, the beach. I hate being landlocked.

Fifth:

I’m thinking about making a blog where I list all of the consistency and continuity issues with Gilmore Girls. It’s one of my favorite TV shows of all time. Consistency or continuity problems on TV don’t bother me (if they did, I’d barely be able to watch anything, at all). It also doesn’t bother me to know how something ends, but that’s beside the point. Thinking about the questions that arise when I watch Gilmore Girls means that I get to spend more time in that world. However, this is something that could potentially take me years and I’m not sure I have years. Well, unless I actually do give up writing, then I’ll have all the time in the world.

 

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