Reflections on healing trauma, writing, and books by Tokyo-based memoirist
 
I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just Sensitive

I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just Sensitive

Last week, I watched a Lucie Fink video about her morning routine. In it, she talks about how she’s adopted The Miracle Morning. It sounded interesting to me, so I thought I’d look into it. The routine itself is simple enough, but it’s surrounded by a lot of maniacal, almost religious, marketing.

I can’t exactly figure out why because I don’t know what they’re selling other than the routine itself, which is easy to look up online.

It also takes on the testosterone-soaked approach of, “you can control every aspect of your life if you just try hard enough.”

If you’ve been paying attention, you probably know where I’m going with this. As Martha Beck says, “If something isn’t working for you, don’t do it harder.” I only heard her say that yesterday, but I really could’ve used that advice last week.

So, prior to watching Lucie Fink’s video, I was already having some trouble with my sleep. I was falling asleep late and waking up late. I wanted to shift my day to an earlier schedule because I’m generally more productive if I have more morning hours available to me.

I figured if I forced myself to get up early, then I’d naturally go to sleep earlier. Except, I didn’t. I still couldn’t fall asleep earlier. Instead, I just got less sleep.

So, as every bedtime approached, I felt more and more pressure to get enough sleep that night, and I ended up sleeping less than the night before.

Pretty soon, I was only getting a few hours of sleep per night. So, I stopped the routine, but by then, I was already so messed up that I still couldn’t fall asleep early and I couldn’t sleep late, either.

I’m in recovery now, and I managed to get a couple of nights of good sleep. Hopefully, that continues.

I didn’t fully abandon The Miracle Morning, but I’m taking a much gentler approach. I’m not forcing myself to get up at a time that’s way outside of my comfort zone. I’m trying to keep the whole thing as low-pressure as possible.

Over the weekend, Adam and I watched the documentary Sensitive: The Untold Story featuring Alanis Morissette. It’s about HSPs or highly sensitive people.

If you’re wondering why I can’t adopt a simple morning routine without my entire life going into a skid, this is why. I’m on the very sensitive end of the sensitivity scale. On the IDRlabs HSP test (which is based on Elaine Aaron’s assessment), I got 96/100.

All of the hardest parts of my life are hard because of being HSP. I don’t know if that means my life is harder than average because (according to the research) there are advantages to being HSP, so it might all balance out.

I couldn’t tell you the advantages because they don’t stick out to me. I have no reason to stop and think about something that isn’t a problem.

I could easily write a very long and detailed list of all of the disadvantages of being an HSP, but I will have mercy on you.

Every time I read or watch something about the advantages of being HSP, I feel a little patronized. Like they’re saying, “don’t worry, you’re not weird, you’re special!

If nothing else, the documentary reminded me of how much I like Alanis Morisette. I should go back and listen to more of her music.

Anyway, I’m still feeling a bit off, so I don’t have much else to say at the moment.

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