I have been in a dark place, lately. I didn’t realize the extent of it until I started to climb out of it. Most of the time, I thought I was just tired. It wasn’t exhaustion. It was depression.
The other day, I saw that Elizabeth Gilbert put up a post about grief.
Her message was that when grief moves through us, we must find ways to help it keep moving. If it gets stuck, we will sink and sink and sink. That is exactly how I felt. It was like my every joint had a weight tied to it. I wish I meant that figuratively. It was a struggle to move. I thought I needed time, but I needed a way to move it through. The grief piled up and it only got worse.
My grief isn’t just about Zophia. Zophia’s passing was a trigger for past loss and anticipated future loss. My mom passed away about a year and a half ago. That pain is moving through me like a block of cement, as in, it hasn’t been. It has just been sitting there, weighing me down.
Yesterday, we went to the beach. For me, it was urgent care. I don’t know if it is a human thing or just a me thing, but I heal when I get into the ocean. It didn’t solve every issue, but it lifted me up enough that I could start lifting myself up again. Before yesterday, there was no chance. I struggled just to get to the ocean because I was so low.
Last week, my cousin did a Tarot reading on me, which turned out to be surprisingly accurate. I only expected it to be a fun thing to do, but in the end, I was disturbed by how vulnerable it made me feel. We knew each other as kids, but we don’t know each other as adults. We took very different life trajectories and we’re both shy and private people, so it’s no big surprise that we don’t know each other well. I wanted her to know that she was doing a good job, so I told her that she was right on. Then, my emotional life was laid out right in front of her, which made me feel over-exposed.
Despite this depressing sounding blog entry, I am truly feeling better than before.
A couple of days ago, Adam and I wandered around the city at night. This is partly because I could not get moving before the sun went down and partly because it was too hot to go out during the day, anyway. We happened upon the Tokyo Metropolitan Building. It’s a building where anyone can go up to the top and look at for free. We didn’t realize that it would be open at 9:30PM, but it was, so we went up and looked at Tokyo at night from the 45th floor.
I didn’t think much of it at the time, but that was because I was in such a place that I couldn’t appreciate much of anything. Now that I’m feeling a bit better I can appreciate it.
There are so many reasons that I can say that I have a really good life.
Anyway, for now, I just want to do a meme. So here it is:
What do you think of when you think of Australia? I wish I knew more about it. I have a few friends/acquaintances from there. They are about as diverse as Americans. It seems like an exotic and hot place. Another friend of mine has a business selling kangaroo meat in Japan and now it’s hard to think about Australia without remembering that.
Birthstone? My birthday is in July, so my birthstone is ruby. The only ruby thing I own is a ruby and diamond necklace given to me by an ex. I’ve always had the kind of lifestyle that meant that it was a very bad idea for me to wear fine or expensive jewelry unless I wanted it broken or lost.
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My walking shoes are a pair of blue and white sneakers. I wear minimalist running shoes for running. I grew up barefoot in Southern California, so wearing shoes at all feels like an imposition. That is why I practice things like yoga, karate, and dance.
When is the last time you went to the mall? A couple of weeks ago, we went to a mall that has a place that sells vegan soft serve. I buy almost everything online.
Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it? I don’t own a car. When I did own a car, I never washed it myself. I went to the car wash occasionally, but not often enough. I begrudge myself simple pleasures because they feel too indulgent and then I wonder why I am so sad.
Five ways to win your heart:
1. Show me that you’re paying attention
2. Show me that you care
3. Show me that you’re trying
That’s it, I only have three
4. Ok, give me a vegan dessert. I mean, come on, who doesn’t like dessert?
Have you met anyone famous? My memory is really bad for this kind of stuff. Plus, I watch the same 3 TV shows and 5 movies over and over again and I rarely even do that. Half of them are starring people who aren’t even alive anymore. So, I could be meeting famous people every day and never know it. However, I can remember meeting Barry Williams (Greg Brady) when I was a Freshman in college and Elizabeth Gilbert before she was hugely famous (my one big fangirl moment).
Do you use cookbooks or do you try to find recipes online? Both, I suppose, but I don’t do either of those things much. I’m a competent enough cook and other people’s recipes often don’t suit my tastes.
I push you into a room and lock the door. I leave you there for 6 hours. The walls are chalkboards and in the middle of the room, there is a box of colored chalk. What will be written/drawn on the walls when I let you out? Probably, “I need to pee,” several hundred times because, seriously? Six hours? I’m sure that I would write a bunch of random stuff and erase it and then maybe practice my kanji.
What is the best thing about a Barbie doll? I don’t know, I’ve never owned one.