This morning, I was getting my morning Gilmore Girls fix, as one does, and it was the episode where they first visit the Yale campus. While I have never been to the Yale campus, I used to live on the East Coast where you can barely walk a block without tripping over an Ivy League college.
Also, one of my favorite memories of Philadelphia is strolling along the Schuylkill River watching the crew teams from various local universities practice after walking past the university boathouses that look like they have been there for a very long time. They aren’t all Ivy League schools, of course, but the whole atmosphere has an ivy scent to it.
So, watching that episode made me nostalgic and homesick. It wasn’t about Yale, specifically, like I said, I’ve never been there. It was about seeing the big, heavy buildings (or facsimiles) and the sense of tradition and grandeur. The city of Philadelphia is dripping with that kind of stuff and it’s all up and down the East Coast.
I know that, ideally, it represents cultural identity, the history of human knowledge, and a view towards human expansion, but it is also about keeping the establishment established. It’s about keeping outdated ideas in circulation and maintaining classism.
Yes, the existence of classism makes me angry, but there is still a small part of me that is jealous. There’s an even smaller part of me that believes that I belong there. We all do it, of course. History was recorded by the aristocracy and that makes us identify with them. They write themselves as the heroes of history and it is only natural that we identify with the heroes of any story. The belief that classism will ever favor us, simply because we identify with the rich, is ridiculous.
Anyway, I went to college in the Midwest, but I lived in Philadelphia for 13 years, which is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere, so it still feels like home. Whenever I am reminded of those things, I am reminded of Philadelphia.
It also kind of reminds me how this white Australian guy once asked me in English to explain to him why I believed European culture has influenced most of the world.
Moving on. This week, I am resting, and I’m doing it for real this time. I’m not just working less. I’m thinking less.
During times when I would have normally listened to audiobooks (doing housework, going for walks, etc.) I am choosing either music or silence. I desperately need to let my brain to relax.
For the past several months, whenever I wasn’t forcing myself to create content, I was force feeding myself content. There were many times when I enjoyed myself. There were also many times when I would have rather rested but didn’t.
Not surprisingly, I mentally crashed and burned. I’m still a burning wreckage, but I’m letting the flames eat it all up.
Right now, I feel like I need to apologize for how little I actually accomplished, despite the soul-crushing effort I’ve been putting into content creation.
My next step is rebuilding. For me, this is to continue my journey towards self-acceptance or at least to reach some state that is not self-loathing. This is what I need.
Lastly, my cousin appears to be starting a tarot reading business? I’m not sure. All I know is that she was offering free readings (to build her practice) and I jumped on it.
I’m not one to turn down a free psychic anything, so, at first, I didn’t think much about it. However, doing something like this has brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings around my Reiki practice. That small shift in focus seems to have changed things for me.
Of course, I do energy work every day, but I’ve been approaching it like another task to get done. Yoga is like that, too. Sometimes, I just go through the motions. Sometimes, I put my attention on it and intention behind it and that is when it is most rewarding. Today, I did yoga. I was more focused, and therefore, it was more rewarding. Or maybe I feel like it was more rewarding because I have been letting my brain rest more.
The funny thing is, I asked my cousin to do a reading on my career and even before she has done the reading, I feel like I’m already getting answers.