I did some qigong and meditation and I’m feeling a bit better.
Over the past couple of days, I’ve tried to get back to my normal routine. My normal routine consists of a lot of social media. Even before Zophia died, I was getting kind of crazy. My social media use is like being on an amusement park ride that never ends. It goes around and around, and it’s supposed to be fun. After a while, I’m nauseous and tired, but there is no stopping it. I told Adam about that feeling and he said that it sounded like I felt a lack of control in my life. Perhaps that’s what it is.
This morning, my anxiety had gotten to the point where I was no longer sure what was real, anymore. Again, this mostly had to do with social media. The presence of fake accounts makes it harder, I think. Also, the varying degrees of commitment to social media and our real lives makes the whole internet world feel slippery and confusing.
During my meditation, I realized that my current anxiety stems from my fear of not being good enough. I will never shake that one, seemingly. My fear of not being good enough has led to my messed-up relationship with social media. I never consciously know why I am checking my accounts. It’s just something that happens.
I look down and there’s my phone in my hand and there I am looking at my notifications. It’s because buried somewhere in the back of my head, I believe that the answer is there. Am I good enough? I want the collective response of the internet to tell me.
The problem is that it keeps giving me an answer I don’t want. The problem is that even when it does give me the answer I want, my satisfaction only lasts a couple of minutes or even up to a day. The next day, I need to be told again, but by then, I’m back to getting the answer I don’t want. If I felt good enough from the beginning, then I wouldn’t get caught up in that cycle.
Anyway, this morning, Dylan is even better. He was even back to whining for attention and looking at me with this expression on his face like I hold the key to solving all his problems. He’s a cat with high expectations.
It has been my goal to get more exercise, lately. On Monday, I did an hour of power yoga, on Tuesday, I did nothing, on Wednesday, I went for a run. Today, I plan to do yoga again. I’m tired, but I will do it, anyway.
I joined a small FB group for workout motivation with a couple of friends. We’re supposed to start checking in on July 16th. I think it goes for 6 weeks or something like that.
I am often solitary with my workouts. I don’t like group sports, competition, or commitments (anymore), but now I want some camaraderie.