The Desire for Approval

I am worried that I don’t have enough time to write, but I also feel like I can’t move forward until after I have written.

This morning, we gave Dylan another subcutaneous injection and because he’s stronger now, he fights harder. He’s always been a cat that hates needles, so it’s not surprising. He wails and screams and struggles like he’s being killed and, as soon as it’s over, trots away like nothing happened.

He ate a lot afterward, which is good, he needs to put on weight. He’s napping now.
I did not fare as well, though. I felt fine this morning, like I could face the day, and then after the treatment, I was shaky and anxious and struggling to move forward.

I have comments to write on social media and I was paralyzed with the fear of not being able to write good responses. I have this way of elevating the stakes on the simplest things.

Last week, I came to the realization that I don’t have anything to offer that is any more special than what anyone else has to offer. That made me really depressed for a day or two.

I figured that it means that I have two choices:

1. I can quit social media
2. I can continue for my own enjoyment, only

I decided that, at least for now, I’m going with option 2. It is my plan to do my best to disregard the responses I get to any of my posts. I say, “do my best” because I know how hard it is to not get caught up in the desire for approval.

Getting caught up in the desire for approval seems harmless when I’m receiving it. However, when I receive it and allow the attention to feel relevant, then I create an expectation for more attention and approval. That always leads me down a dark road. So, no more.

It’s like when I was writing my book. If I thought at all about the book’s future, I became paralyzed with fear that it would not be good enough. So, every time the thought crossed my mind, I’d forgive myself, and then gently remove it. The self-forgiveness is key. As a human being, I will always backslide. Maybe there are other human beings that don’t, but I am one that backslides constantly, so self-forgiveness is a necessity.

Being me is hard enough without beating myself up for being me.

Anyway, my posts will not be special or unique, but they will represent me. Even if who I am doesn’t matter to anyone else, it matters to me.

Speaking of backsliding, I fell down the rabbit-hole that is google analytics. Someone had accessed a page on my website that I didn’t know had existed. I spent a whole bunch of time on my web server, searching and getting frustrating trying to figure out how that page existed. I finally realized it was another page that WordPress automatically generates. Oy.

I need to do some yoga.

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